“I asked her about odds — but she refused to discuss them: the concept of probabilities seemed to elude her.”
Our son was born 14 weeks premature and spent a very long time in the hospital with a number of complications there and when we came home (he’s 18 months old and doing great!). I had this experience so many times. Eventually I settled on “if this happened would you be shocked, a little surprised, or totally unsurprised?” Got some ok answers from that.
I relate to so much of this. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 19 and spent my whole adult life worrying that I couldn’t get pregnant.
When I was ready to try at 32, my fertility doctor said my ovaries looked normal. And my OB/gyn said my hormones were normal. If I had ever had PCOS (questionable) I didn’t have it anymore.
I got pregnant on the first try. All that worry for nothing.
A great read about a confusing and underresearched situation!
I do want to pounce on the side part of the "success determined by looks" though. You were a genius girl with school olympiads (as a Russian, I know what that is) behind your belt, you heard boys appreciate it, and you ignored it? Sounds like a story that deserves more posts of its own, because, like, smart girls need to know they're wanted :3
Ah, that's good to know. The name is very scary and honestly, it confuses many doctors too. Many think you have to have the so called cysts to have PCOS, many don't get the endocrine nature of it etc
I have PCOS type ovaries (AFC), but a low BMI and no insulin resistance. I didn't realise there is a second subtype! Do you have any more info about the hyperandrogenic subtype? Like, pregnancy rates? Or any other health effects? Is it ok for a woman to be high T? lol
Thank you for sharing your experience. My wife went through a very similar story. Diagnosed with PCOS in late adolescence followed by unhelpful/discouraging fertility consultation from several "specialists" in her 20s. Experiencing her stress, I believe that reading your posts at the time would be very relieving for her.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend tried IVF with a donor before we met and sadly miscarried at 20 weeks. She subsequent froze eggs at age 38 (seven egsg collected in one round) and they were thawed and fertilised this spring. Five developed, but only one enough to be implanted, and even it only barely: it was rated "between zero and one" on a quality scale that goes from 1–4, and we were given only a 10% probability of pregnancy.
We have been incredibly lucky, however: fourteen days later a pregnancy test came back positive. It's been fraught, with several major bleeds and many trips to the hospital for scans, but miraculously a little heartbeat has been found every time (bar the first, which was just too early to see anything more than a pregnancy sac) and as of this weekend our "little ten" (percent chance) had just surpassed their older half sibling. Fingers crossed they will make it to term, or at least close enough.
It has been an occasionally terrifying rollercoaster ride with still no guarantees of a happy outcome but I'm incredibly grateful both for the technology that has given us a good leg up, and for Ruxandra's writing about all the things—statistics, technological developments and so on—that we didn't hear about from our doctors.
Rux, thanks! In 2023, I went to a GP and she told me to come back when I am trying to get pregnant. I felt like my health didn't matter and was secondary to my status as a haver of a womb and someone's potential vessel. It felt so demoralising. I went to a private OB/GYN and he was much better. I am 30, and I hope to be able to avoid egg freezing in the near future. Fingers crossed and best of luck on your journey! I will be reading every part of this series as it comes out.
Your fun fact is just as true of men, as it turns out. Our distaff side begins in our grandmothers. There is of course a woman specific way of stating this fact, but it involves mothers and children, not mothers and grandmothers.
I'm sorry if I comment on something that's not the core argument but I'm a bit of obsessive and there is something I find confusing (possibly it is literally wrong?).
You wrote: "if you are a woman, your CURRENT EGGS were once part of your grandmother" and "some of the eggs I carry TODAY were once part of my grandmother’s body".
This seems impossible but of course I want to check if it's not ME being wrong.
Since we all start as a zygote - one cell, the eggs must develop later.
And indeed it's true that a woman is born with all her eggs already, and they're there when a female fetus reach ~20 weeks.
So in a poetic sense *YOU* could be said to have been inside your grandmother, but the literal meaning must be that the egg that would much later become you was already inside your mother when she was yet inside your grandmother.
Doesn't follow your PRESENT EGGS were there, though.
I think this post is both vulnerable and admirable.
Looking forward to your honest reflections on motherhood, if you still have time to make them (not meant patronisingly since I’m reading your blog and replying as typical at 4 am when I get uninterrupted leisure)
And since I enjoyed reading other readers comments I’ll just make one too. Hope you don’t mind and don’t feel obliged to reply.
I turned 40 this year. I first thought about freezing my eggs when I was 26
It was and always has been way out of my budgets
I have one kid so count myself extremely lucky.
My sister is 47. She had a catastrophic accident before the pandemic which ruled out pregnancy. I also remember her having her ovarian reserve tested, and thinking out loud about freezing her eggs more than a decade ago.
If my sister had frozen her eggs I would be a surrogate for her. Hell I’d gestate any of my relatives eggs. Even now. I’ve wished I had my mom’s eggs to gestate.. but that might get complicated in the family tree.
I hope there is a boy out there freezing his sperm right now and who’s gamete will be Mr Right for yours.
I would gestate my own youthful egg if I had one but only if my partner had frozen sperm. He is even older than me…
I blame my and my family’s low fertility on our advanced paternal age grandfather.
I was diagnosed with PCOS too and had somewhat irregular symptoms. I think the research leads back to mitochondrial metabolism. I then wonder how my maternal line is suspect too. But mom’s side are more fertile by far.
In the paternal side:
6 of grandfather’s 8 adult grandchildren are currently childless. I think that figure may change but the total of 3 great-grandchildren is unlikely to increase much. Maybe to 5 or really pushing it, 6. Honestly surprised if it will get that high.
A cohort fertility rate of between 0.375 and, best case, 0.75
I may be biased but I think the fertility bust is concentrated in families like mine and due to dysgenic factors.
Not that we aren’t well educated and nice people lol.
My grandfather wasn’t a “remittance man” but of a similar vintage and gentility. Certain excerpts from Mavis Gallant’s Varieties of Exile remind me of the English side of my family.
“The male line, then, was a ghost story. A mother’s vitality would be needed to create ectoplasm, to make the ghost offspring visible. Unfortunately the exiles were apt to marry absentminded women whose skirts are covered with dog hairs—the drooping, bewildered British-Canadian mouse, who counts on tea leaves to tell her “what will happen when Edward goes.” None of us is ever saved entirely, but even an erratic and alarming maternal vitality could turn out to be better than none.”
More can be found online read aloud fabulously by Margaret Atwood
And Ruxi was out of the schoolboy’s league they weren’t wrong.
Sorry they couldn’t be nicer about it, and friendlier despite their insufficiencies.
Agree on the adolescent female’s self-esteem stuff. Some would point to that being engineered by patriarchy. Boys’ comments may be calculated to bring your own market estimation down. If it’s not your intellectual formidableness they pick on something else. Anything. And it doesn’t matter how hot you are they find the way to throw stigma and sow self doubt.
Biofoid? I don’t get it. Paranoid gynoid femoid all the rage and ‘roids. Thanks for that sex steroid diagram. The relationship between cholesterol and insulin is interesting for this condition and fertility generally.
What a taut, informative read. You're a wonderful writer. As someone whose partner froze her eggs, this was really helpful. Thank you for writing it.
thank you :)
“I asked her about odds — but she refused to discuss them: the concept of probabilities seemed to elude her.”
Our son was born 14 weeks premature and spent a very long time in the hospital with a number of complications there and when we came home (he’s 18 months old and doing great!). I had this experience so many times. Eventually I settled on “if this happened would you be shocked, a little surprised, or totally unsurprised?” Got some ok answers from that.
lol translating math to doctors as if they were toddlers.
Glad your baby is doing well :)
Ah that’s a good question to use
I relate to so much of this. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 19 and spent my whole adult life worrying that I couldn’t get pregnant.
When I was ready to try at 32, my fertility doctor said my ovaries looked normal. And my OB/gyn said my hormones were normal. If I had ever had PCOS (questionable) I didn’t have it anymore.
I got pregnant on the first try. All that worry for nothing.
so glad for you
A great read about a confusing and underresearched situation!
I do want to pounce on the side part of the "success determined by looks" though. You were a genius girl with school olympiads (as a Russian, I know what that is) behind your belt, you heard boys appreciate it, and you ignored it? Sounds like a story that deserves more posts of its own, because, like, smart girls need to know they're wanted :3
Indeed. Both Boy 1 and Boy 2 were right, and I'm glad that the author has taken notice of their remarks, however belatedly.
FYI, https://whirlcre.edu.au/pcos-name-change/
Ah, that's good to know. The name is very scary and honestly, it confuses many doctors too. Many think you have to have the so called cysts to have PCOS, many don't get the endocrine nature of it etc
So... what are the new names suggested?
https://www.healio.com/news/womens-health-ob-gyn/20250606/name-change-for-outdated-pcos-term-backed-by-majority-of-health-professionals-patients#:~:text=Among%20possible%20alternatives%2C%20changing%20the,the%20acronym%2C%20received%20less%20support.
Fascinating!
I have PCOS type ovaries (AFC), but a low BMI and no insulin resistance. I didn't realise there is a second subtype! Do you have any more info about the hyperandrogenic subtype? Like, pregnancy rates? Or any other health effects? Is it ok for a woman to be high T? lol
you should do your hormones I can send you a list.
Thank you for writing this! Brave, funny, informative
thanks!
Thank you for sharing your experience. My wife went through a very similar story. Diagnosed with PCOS in late adolescence followed by unhelpful/discouraging fertility consultation from several "specialists" in her 20s. Experiencing her stress, I believe that reading your posts at the time would be very relieving for her.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend tried IVF with a donor before we met and sadly miscarried at 20 weeks. She subsequent froze eggs at age 38 (seven egsg collected in one round) and they were thawed and fertilised this spring. Five developed, but only one enough to be implanted, and even it only barely: it was rated "between zero and one" on a quality scale that goes from 1–4, and we were given only a 10% probability of pregnancy.
We have been incredibly lucky, however: fourteen days later a pregnancy test came back positive. It's been fraught, with several major bleeds and many trips to the hospital for scans, but miraculously a little heartbeat has been found every time (bar the first, which was just too early to see anything more than a pregnancy sac) and as of this weekend our "little ten" (percent chance) had just surpassed their older half sibling. Fingers crossed they will make it to term, or at least close enough.
It has been an occasionally terrifying rollercoaster ride with still no guarantees of a happy outcome but I'm incredibly grateful both for the technology that has given us a good leg up, and for Ruxandra's writing about all the things—statistics, technological developments and so on—that we didn't hear about from our doctors.
I am sorry (and happy) to hear this. How advanced is the pregnancy currently?
Currently 19 weeks 4 days. Previous miscarriage was actually 19w2d, so every day now is a cause for celebration and (cautious) optimism.
good luck 🤞
Rux, thanks! In 2023, I went to a GP and she told me to come back when I am trying to get pregnant. I felt like my health didn't matter and was secondary to my status as a haver of a womb and someone's potential vessel. It felt so demoralising. I went to a private OB/GYN and he was much better. I am 30, and I hope to be able to avoid egg freezing in the near future. Fingers crossed and best of luck on your journey! I will be reading every part of this series as it comes out.
tbf I think they didnt even care abt me as a womb, at least not preventatively. Like my inquiries were specifically about my future fertility
This is a perfect mix of information and lightly unhinged personal narrative. Looking forward to the next posts
> Success rates for IVF per age:
This is the entire footnote; I'm guessing there's supposed to be a chart here or something?
Thanks for raising this. Will correct
> fun fact: if you are a woman, you come from an egg that was once part of your grandmother as she was pregnant with your mother
Isn't this also true if you're a man?
yes that's true i'm being femallocentric
Your fun fact is just as true of men, as it turns out. Our distaff side begins in our grandmothers. There is of course a woman specific way of stating this fact, but it involves mothers and children, not mothers and grandmothers.
thanks your right
I'm sorry if I comment on something that's not the core argument but I'm a bit of obsessive and there is something I find confusing (possibly it is literally wrong?).
You wrote: "if you are a woman, your CURRENT EGGS were once part of your grandmother" and "some of the eggs I carry TODAY were once part of my grandmother’s body".
This seems impossible but of course I want to check if it's not ME being wrong.
Since we all start as a zygote - one cell, the eggs must develop later.
And indeed it's true that a woman is born with all her eggs already, and they're there when a female fetus reach ~20 weeks.
So in a poetic sense *YOU* could be said to have been inside your grandmother, but the literal meaning must be that the egg that would much later become you was already inside your mother when she was yet inside your grandmother.
Doesn't follow your PRESENT EGGS were there, though.
Am I wrong?
sorry i'm wrong you come from an egg that was in your grandmother thanks
I think this post is both vulnerable and admirable.
Looking forward to your honest reflections on motherhood, if you still have time to make them (not meant patronisingly since I’m reading your blog and replying as typical at 4 am when I get uninterrupted leisure)
And since I enjoyed reading other readers comments I’ll just make one too. Hope you don’t mind and don’t feel obliged to reply.
I turned 40 this year. I first thought about freezing my eggs when I was 26
It was and always has been way out of my budgets
I have one kid so count myself extremely lucky.
My sister is 47. She had a catastrophic accident before the pandemic which ruled out pregnancy. I also remember her having her ovarian reserve tested, and thinking out loud about freezing her eggs more than a decade ago.
If my sister had frozen her eggs I would be a surrogate for her. Hell I’d gestate any of my relatives eggs. Even now. I’ve wished I had my mom’s eggs to gestate.. but that might get complicated in the family tree.
I hope there is a boy out there freezing his sperm right now and who’s gamete will be Mr Right for yours.
I would gestate my own youthful egg if I had one but only if my partner had frozen sperm. He is even older than me…
I blame my and my family’s low fertility on our advanced paternal age grandfather.
I was diagnosed with PCOS too and had somewhat irregular symptoms. I think the research leads back to mitochondrial metabolism. I then wonder how my maternal line is suspect too. But mom’s side are more fertile by far.
In the paternal side:
6 of grandfather’s 8 adult grandchildren are currently childless. I think that figure may change but the total of 3 great-grandchildren is unlikely to increase much. Maybe to 5 or really pushing it, 6. Honestly surprised if it will get that high.
A cohort fertility rate of between 0.375 and, best case, 0.75
I may be biased but I think the fertility bust is concentrated in families like mine and due to dysgenic factors.
Not that we aren’t well educated and nice people lol.
My grandfather wasn’t a “remittance man” but of a similar vintage and gentility. Certain excerpts from Mavis Gallant’s Varieties of Exile remind me of the English side of my family.
“The male line, then, was a ghost story. A mother’s vitality would be needed to create ectoplasm, to make the ghost offspring visible. Unfortunately the exiles were apt to marry absentminded women whose skirts are covered with dog hairs—the drooping, bewildered British-Canadian mouse, who counts on tea leaves to tell her “what will happen when Edward goes.” None of us is ever saved entirely, but even an erratic and alarming maternal vitality could turn out to be better than none.”
More can be found online read aloud fabulously by Margaret Atwood
And Ruxi was out of the schoolboy’s league they weren’t wrong.
Sorry they couldn’t be nicer about it, and friendlier despite their insufficiencies.
Agree on the adolescent female’s self-esteem stuff. Some would point to that being engineered by patriarchy. Boys’ comments may be calculated to bring your own market estimation down. If it’s not your intellectual formidableness they pick on something else. Anything. And it doesn’t matter how hot you are they find the way to throw stigma and sow self doubt.
Biofoid? I don’t get it. Paranoid gynoid femoid all the rage and ‘roids. Thanks for that sex steroid diagram. The relationship between cholesterol and insulin is interesting for this condition and fertility generally.